The cliché'
Here it goes ..it may sound like a huge cliché' but at some moment the other day I suddenly had the realization that I'm not sure I totally know myself. It sounds silly.. like how could one not really know themselves? But I think I've spent the last 14 years+ years being a mom and trying to simultaneously please everyone around me that I've simply lost myself as a person. What does one do to find their true self?
Some things I do know about myself..
I'm a people pleaser and this is both a positive thing and a very huge character flaw. I think that I spend so much time and effort to make sure that everyone is happy that I don't always take my feelings into consideration. I once was told by someone who I considered to be one of my best friends that I was just too sad to be around. I've worked on that. I tend to make jokes and make light of things. I am happier than I used to be and yet still somewhat broken..
I don't know what I want. I'm a shitty dater. There has been no one to write home about. What I have learned from my limited dating experiences as a single mom is that I need to stop putting up with such bullcrap. I think I put up with far less than what I deserve because I've never really found what I deserve. Somewhere along the line I stopped thinking I was worth anything and therefore put up with whatever line or compliment thrown at me. Part of me believes that I do not deserve love but I'm working on changing that.
I'm 32 years old and I still hold my breath and make wishes when I drive thru tunnels. I think part of me missed out so much on being young, so I hold onto the little things.
I've been defined by my choices. I'm not perfect but I'm trying my best to be the best person that I can be.
I love to craft/paint as an escape. I lose track of time and everything around me when I get deep into a project.. I constantly worry about money and giving Aiden everything he needs so the extra income from this definitely helps.
Losing Jill was the hardest thing I've ever had to go thru and continues to impact me daily.
I was not the easiest teenager and I'm fairly certain kharma is coming back at me full swing. Aiden is a good kid but man teenage hormones are no joke and I feel like I'm failing at parenting at least once on a daily basis.
People joke that I'm the crazy cat lady because we foster kittens. With Aiden being gone with his dad on weekends, those extra animals give me love and keep me busy and then I don't feel as alone.
There are good days and bad days. I think deep down that I don't let a lot of people "in" because everyone that I've let in ultimately leaves me. I can't wait for the day that those walls come down...
Now back to brainstorming how to find myself?..
Some things I do know about myself..
I'm a people pleaser and this is both a positive thing and a very huge character flaw. I think that I spend so much time and effort to make sure that everyone is happy that I don't always take my feelings into consideration. I once was told by someone who I considered to be one of my best friends that I was just too sad to be around. I've worked on that. I tend to make jokes and make light of things. I am happier than I used to be and yet still somewhat broken..
I don't know what I want. I'm a shitty dater. There has been no one to write home about. What I have learned from my limited dating experiences as a single mom is that I need to stop putting up with such bullcrap. I think I put up with far less than what I deserve because I've never really found what I deserve. Somewhere along the line I stopped thinking I was worth anything and therefore put up with whatever line or compliment thrown at me. Part of me believes that I do not deserve love but I'm working on changing that.
I'm 32 years old and I still hold my breath and make wishes when I drive thru tunnels. I think part of me missed out so much on being young, so I hold onto the little things.
I've been defined by my choices. I'm not perfect but I'm trying my best to be the best person that I can be.
I love to craft/paint as an escape. I lose track of time and everything around me when I get deep into a project.. I constantly worry about money and giving Aiden everything he needs so the extra income from this definitely helps.
Losing Jill was the hardest thing I've ever had to go thru and continues to impact me daily.
I was not the easiest teenager and I'm fairly certain kharma is coming back at me full swing. Aiden is a good kid but man teenage hormones are no joke and I feel like I'm failing at parenting at least once on a daily basis.
People joke that I'm the crazy cat lady because we foster kittens. With Aiden being gone with his dad on weekends, those extra animals give me love and keep me busy and then I don't feel as alone.
There are good days and bad days. I think deep down that I don't let a lot of people "in" because everyone that I've let in ultimately leaves me. I can't wait for the day that those walls come down...
Now back to brainstorming how to find myself?..
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